Grief: Grieving Someone Who Hurt You

Part of the Healing Through Grief & Loss Series

Grief is never simple, and it becomes especially complex when the person you’ve lost is someone who caused you pain.

Maybe they were emotionally unavailable, or they manipulated you. Perhaps they abused you, or they were a parent who never knew how to love, a partner who broke your trust, or did a heinous act, or a sibling who kept re-opening old wounds. And now they’re gone, or the relationship has ended, and you’re left with the ache of grief and loss… tangled in anger, sadness, resentment, confusion, and guilt.

Grieving someone who hurt you can feel like trying to hold fire and water in the same hand. Oh, that’s powerful. Let’s explore that in more depth.

It means you feel an emotional contradiction that often arises when you’re grieving this person who also caused you harm. It’s about the impossible tension of experiencing:

• Love and pain
• Longing and anger
• Sadness and relief
• Grief and resentment

Water and fire are opposites—they naturally cancel each other out, illustrating just how conflicting and emotionally exhausting it can be to hold two opposing truths at once:

“I miss them, AND they hurt me.”
“I wish they were still here, AND I also feel safer now.”
“I feel grief, AND I also feel rage.”

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The Myth of “Clean” Grief

Traditional grief models like Kübler-Ross’s five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) have long shaped our cultural expectations of what grief “should” look like, and these stages are in no way linear. But for many people, especially those grieving complicated or abusive relationships, those models fall short.

We’re often taught that grief is pure sadness. But grief can also be rage, numbness, relief, or a profound ambivalence. And when the person who harmed you dies—or leaves—it can feel impossible to know what to do with those mixed feelings.

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Why It Hurts to Grieve Someone Who Hurt You

From a psychological perspective, grief is not only about the absence of a person—it’s also about the loss of possibilities, identity, unmet needs, and the fantasy of repair. When the person you’ve lost was unsafe or unpredictable, the grief gets layered with the pain of what never was and what should have been.

Research in attachment theory shows that humans are wired to seek connection—even with those who have harmed them. Survivors of abuse may grieve not just the person, but the idea of who they wanted them to be. This dissonance can cause internal conflict: “Why do I miss someone who hurt me?” or “What does it say about me that I’m mourning this?”

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Using IFS, Gestalt Approaches and EMDR to Untangle Internal Conflict in Grief

IFS, or Internal Family Systems, offers a way to gently explore the parts of you that are grieving—and those that are still angry, scared, or mistrusting.

You might have:

• A part that feels devastated by the loss.
• A part that’s furious about the harm they caused.
• A part that feels guilty for still missing them.
• A part that’s confused about what’s “right” to feel.

This framework invites you to befriend these parts, rather than shame or suppress them. When we give them space and compassion, we allow internal integration—and can begin to grieve from a place of self-leadership, not fragmentation.

Gestalt therapy similarly emphasizes honoring what is. Rather than pushing feelings away, Gestalt helps you dialogue with them. This may involve:

• Writing a letter to the person who hurt you—and one from the version of you that was hurt.
• Speaking from the “angry part” in session, then switching chairs and responding as the grieving self.
• Role-playing unfinished conversations with the guidance of a therapist.

These methods help access the embodied grief—not just the thoughts, but what your nervous system has held onto. They make space for resolution, even if reconciliation was never possible.

EMDR as a Modality for Grief Work

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is often known for treating trauma, but it’s also highly effective for grief—especially when loss is layered with pain, unresolved emotions, or complicated relational dynamics. When paired with IFS (Internal Family Systems), EMDR helps you access the core grief by gently working through the protective parts that carry anger, guilt, or shame. This integrative approach clears space to fully process what’s been unspoken or stuck.

For those ready to dive deeper, therapy intensives offer a powerful way to engage in this healing work without the slow pace of weekly sessions. In a focused 3-hour (or longer) intensive, we can move through EMDR targets, explore parts, and begin untangling long-held grief in a way that feels both supported and transformative. It’s deep work—done with intention and care.

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Validating the Harm While Grieving the Loss

It’s crucial to acknowledge that grieving does not excuse abuse. You can name what someone did, recognize the impact it had on your life, and still feel sadness or longing for them.

Grief and boundaries can coexist.

Naming the harm is often what unlocks the grief. Many people feel emotionally stuck until they allow themselves to tell the truth of the relationship, not the sanitized version, but the real one. This is a core element of healing in complicated or disenfranchised grief.

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You Deserve to Grieve in Your Full Complexity

If you’re grieving someone who hurt you, you’re not weak, and you’re not betraying yourself.

You’re navigating a deeply layered emotional experience that deserves care and support. More so you’re honoring both the pain and the loss. You’re tending to the scars and the silence. And in doing so, you’re giving yourself the chance to move forward in clarity, not just survive in confusion.

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💬 Next Steps: Questions for Reflection

• What part of you still needs to be heard before you can grieve this person fully?
• If you could separate the person’s harmful actions from your longing for connection, what would shift?
• What boundary would allow you to feel safe enough to explore this grief more deeply?

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📚 This post is part of our ongoing grief series. Be sure to check out:

• Unspoken Grief: Processing Loss in Situations That Don’t Seem Validated by Society
• The Shame of “Still Not Over It”: Complicated Grief and Internalized Expectations
• “It Wasn’t a Death, But It Was a Loss”: Expanding Our Understanding of Grief and Trauma
• You Can Miss Someone and Be Angry With Them — That’s Normal Grief, Too
• Parts of You Are Grieving Too: Using IFS to Map Internal Responses to Loss
• How EMDR Helps Untangle the Confusion of “Should I Even Be Grieving?

If you’re feeling stuck in the pain—grieving someone who hurt you, looping through the same relationship patterns, or carrying wounds that seem too heavy to name—you don’t have to stay there. At Path to Growth Therapy, we offer both traditional therapy and intensive sessions designed to create deep, transformational breakthroughs. Whether you’re ready to unravel the past with EMDR, reconnect with yourself through IFS, or repair in relationship, we’re here to help you process what’s been holding you back and move toward clarity, healing, and lasting change. Schedule a consult today or email me for more availability options, and we’ll respond within 24 hours to schedule a free consultation and help you explore your next step forward.