Emotional Regulation for Relationships
Emotional regulation is important because you cannot expect another person to always be
responsible for your emotions. There is a need for you to understand why you’re reacting, what
it’s telling you, and how to appropriately handle it in the context of another person, because your
emotions impact their experience. Emotional regulation is the ability to experience an emotion,
understand what it’s signaling, respond appropriately, and then move on to the next steps of
what needs to happen. This ability is a core skill for healthy relational functioning.
Understanding Emotional Regulation
Emotional regulation has three key components: awareness, managing emotions, and
expressing emotions.
Awareness comes through slowing down, being mindful, and paying attention to what is
happening inside you. You must notice your feelings and the context in which they arise.
Managing emotions means understanding what your emotions are trying to communicate.
Anger, for example, may indicate that you feel disrespected or that a boundary is being crossed.
Sadness can signal hurt, disappointment, or confusion. Frustration may show that a goal is
being blocked, or mixed messages are causing emotional conflict. By identifying these signals,
you can determine what steps you need to take next.
Healthily expressing emotions involves communicating your feelings authentically while
allowing the other person to respond without being forced to regulate your emotions for you.
Healthy expression might include saying, “I’m feeling really hurt, can you meet me where I’m
at?” or acknowledging sadness through tears while still maintaining communication. What is not
healthy is reacting to criticism or conflict with overwhelming emotion that shuts down
conversation or puts the other person in a caretaking role.
Common challenges include shutting down, reacting impulsively, yelling, becoming defensive,
disengaging, or disconnecting from the conversation entirely. Emotional dysregulation can
appear in daily life in many ways, such as:
● Feeling “too much” or overly dramatic, according to others
● Being told you’re not thinking logically or just need to fix the problem
● Screaming, yelling, or crying excessively
● Avoiding conversation through sleep, withdrawal, or ignoring emotions
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward responding differently. By slowing down,
observing your feelings, understanding their source, and expressing them thoughtfully, you can
build healthier relational dynamics and reduce conflict.
Emotional Triggers in Relationships
In romantic relationships, emotional triggers often arise around intimacy and unmet needs.
Some of the most common triggers include:
● Intimacy and lack of intimacy: Feeling disconnected or unheard can immediately spark
strong emotional reactions.
● Unmet needs: When your partner doesn’t respond to bids for connection, it can feel
minimizing or dismissive.
● Distribution of household responsibilities: Perceptions of fairness and effort often
trigger conflict.
● Finances: Disagreements over spending, budgeting, or financial strain can quickly
escalate.
● Politics: Differing opinions or discussions about political topics can be a major source of
tension. Interactions with family members: Poor boundaries, feeling disrespected, or not being
defended by a partner can be triggering.
Common patterns that emerge in these situations include:
● Overreacting: For example, if one partner says, “Hey, when you did this, it made me
feel this way,” the other might respond with, “I can’t do anything right. Everything I do is
always a problem with you. I can’t just sit here and mind my own business. I’m tired
when I come home, and now you have something to tell me about how I’m not doing it
right.”
● Shutting down: A partner may respond to emotional expression by saying, “I don’t
know. I don’t know what you’re talking about,” stonewalling, leaving the room, or giving
one-word responses.
● Escalating conflict: Instead of addressing the original concern, one partner might say,
“Well, whenever I didn’t feel seen in this space, you didn’t acknowledge me,” or bring up
past incidents to one-up the other.
Understanding triggers helps partners recognize patterns and prepare strategies to respond
thoughtfully.
Strategies for Emotional Regulation
Managing emotional responses in relationships involves both self-regulation and co-regulation
with your partner. Co-regulation refers to the ways partners support each other in returning to a
calm, grounded state during emotional moments.
Expanding Emotional Regulation Strategies:
- Slowing down and grounding yourself
Take deep breaths, pause before responding, or step away briefly to regain composure. Focus
on the relationship system rather than trying to “win” or just have your needs met in the moment. - Walking away while communicating first
It is okay to step away temporarily if you feel overwhelmed. Communicate your intention first: “I
am feeling overwhelmed and need to step outside for a few minutes. I want to continue this
conversation after I calm down.” This prevents escalation while allowing space to self-regulate. - Outdoor or physical activities
Movement can help regulate intense emotions. Going on a walk, run, or engaging in vigorous
activity can release tension safely. For example: “I feel my anger rising. I am going to take a
quick walk and return when I am calmer.” - Intense exercise or sensory grounding
Engaging in active release, such as punching a bag, push-ups, or other physical exercise, can
help manage emotional intensity. Pair this with mindfulness by focusing on breath and bodily
sensations. - Self-soothing techniques
● Holding ice in your hands
● Lying under a weighted blanket
● Listening to calming music
● Journaling your thoughts and emotions - Using I-statements and clear communication
After grounding, express emotions with ownership by using statements like “I feel frustrated when [situation] occurs because [reason].” - Perspective-taking and curiosity
Ask yourself what your partner is trying to communicate. Are they truly criticizing you, or is there
a miscommunication? This reduces defensiveness and fosters empathy. - Avoiding escalation
Notice when responses are becoming reactive. Take a break if necessary: “I need a few
minutes to calm down before we continue.” Avoid accusatory language such as “You never listen to me,” which escalates conflict. - Healthy emotional expression
Hold space for emotions without shutting down or overreacting. Respond empathetically: “I
hear you. Thank you for sharing. Let’s work together to figure out a solution.” - Setting boundaries without judgment
Define what is acceptable communication and what is not. Clearly state limits: “I cannot engage
when there is yelling. Let’s revisit this calmly.”
Supporting Your Partner
Helping a partner regulate emotions starts with checking in with yourself. Many couples report
feeling surprised when a partner brings up a concern unexpectedly. Others struggle with
relationship check-ins that feel meaningless or overwhelming.
If you feel immediately dysregulated when a partner reaches out, pause and ask why you
disconnect. Emotionality in one partner often meets emotionality in the other: one partner may
stonewall, disconnect, or avoid, while the other may overreach to get needs met. Understanding
this dynamic is crucial.
Self-soothing strategies can help:
● If you feel angry, hold ice in your hands, step outside, or take deep breaths.
● If you begin to shut down, use grounding exercises such as deep breathing, tapping, or
brief exercise.
● Pause before reacting to allow thoughtful responses.
Healthy communication includes:
● Understanding your partner’s intention rather than assuming criticism.
● Avoiding escalation and criticism by recognizing when you are about to react negatively.
● Holding space for your partner’s emotions and reflecting on why you feel attacked if you
do.
Setting boundaries without judgment is also essential:
● Define acceptable communication and behavior.
● Both partners are responsible for managing their emotions while engaging in
co-regulation when appropriate.
Co-regulation can include:
● Sitting together quietly
● Holding each other
● Validating feelings
When to Seek Professional Support
Emotional dysregulation becomes harmful when it negatively impacts the relationship. Therapy
can be extremely helpful:
● Individual therapy: Addresses personal patterns, trauma, or challenges. Couples
therapy is not a substitute for this work.
● Couples therapy: Focuses on the relationship system, helping both partners
co-regulate, communicate, and meet each other’s needs effectively.
Learning these skills supports long-term relationship health, allowing couples to respond
thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. Investing in therapy is especially valuable if
conversations are so stressful that productive dialogue is difficult.
Emotional Regulation in Neurodivergent Couples
Couples in which one or both partners are neurodivergent, such as ADHD or autism, may
experience unique challenges. Differences in communication styles, sensory sensitivity, and
emotional processing can make conversations feel more intense or misunderstood.
For example:
● One partner may be direct and logical.
● The other may experience rejection-sensitive dysphoria, interpreting directness as
criticism.
● Misalignment can create cycles where one partner feels judged and the other feels
misunderstood, resulting in dysregulation.
Strategies for neurodivergent couples include:
● Clear expectations and structured check-ins: Regular conversations about needs,
emotions, and household responsibilities.
● Co-regulation skills: Using grounding exercises, self-soothing, or physical reassurance
to return to calm.
● Curiosity and perspective-taking: Asking, “What is my partner trying to
communicate?” and distinguishing between intent and impact.
● Professional support: Therapists experienced with neurodivergent couples can bridge
gaps and teach communication strategies.
These approaches help partners respond thoughtfully, reduce conflict cycles, and foster
stronger connections.
Emotional regulation is a cornerstone of healthy romantic relationships. By understanding
triggers, developing self-soothing strategies, communicating effectively, and seeking support
when necessary, couples can navigate conflict with compassion and care. Regular reflection,
co-regulation, and professional guidance allow partners to build stronger, more resilient
relationships, creating space for connection, trust, and long-term emotional well-being.
About the Author-Guest Blog
Jasmine Jaquess, MA, LPC, is a licensed therapist in Colorado Springs, CO, specializing in
relationships, emotional regulation, and couples therapy. She works with individuals and
couples to develop skills for healthy communication, emotional awareness, and long-term
relational growth. Jasmine integrates evidence-based approaches with personalized strategies
to meet clients where they are, providing tools for sustainable change and meaningful
connection.
